a moment of reflection
It dawned on me just now while out in the kitchen doing dishes. I will never talk to my friend "Tom" again. I will never hear from him. I will never get to ask him his opinion.
I know this is a bit of a downer post, but i just got so hit upside the head by this realization that i felt like i HAD to purge it by putting it on my blog. sort of an open apology for being... well i guess a dumass.
We had been friends for nearly 6 years then poof. no more. i donno what caused the split entirely. I know what he said over the phone the night he was sooo angry at me 2 years ago. (yes it will be two years this weekend). I didn't understand it then. I still don't. I was hurt, confused and well i guess i still am a bit.
But i think maybe just now, out cleaning up the grill i sorta went... wow. That's it. No last minute phone call to say "Ha ha, i was just joking". Just POOF. I can't talk to you anymore.
I've asked about, talking to mutal friends as to why they thought perhaps he finally decided to make that break (mind you i didn't help, i was so floored that when we DID see each other i acted poorly. A fact i'm now ashamed of... funny what rash decisions we make when we are hurt and angry). One actually goes... did you ever consider that perhaps he's liked you all these years and finally he had just had it. Enough was enough?
Maybe. I think that's the easy excuse myself. He liked me, i didn't notice. he grew angry about it. If so then "TOM" if you're reading this (who knows, you should have this blog addy, unless you burned it), I'm sorry. It was cruel of me not to notice or address it. I'm sure when i said to you that night in december when we had our minor row "you're important to me, you're the closest thing i have to a brother!" must have be especially hurtful and i wholeheartedly apologize. If our mutal friend is incorrect and you never had those kinds of feelings... well then don't ask me. I guess you just got sick of me.
Somehow that's more painful to me. I value my friends. I will admit i'm bad about writing them (as Anne and Dana get ready to bop me over the head for not writing lately... bad Ielle!). That's bad of me. I keep trying to fix that, i just hate writing letters and phone calling folks. I like visiting. But who has the money... eh anyway enough excuses. I'm lame. But, it's not meant in meanness. It seriously is the fact that i get busy and so if you aren't in the same town as i am, i often just get stupid and don't realize that it's been a while since i've spoken to you. But that doesn't mean i don't value you guys. ALL of you.
Not having sibs, i kinda have adopted you all lol. And "Tom" you, i adopted even more so. You were very special to me. Everywhere we went we were known as ielle and "tom". Are Ielle and "Tom" coming? lol.
you onced jokingly referred to me as your girlfriend in training. i guess we kinda were. We went everywhere, did everything. Remember our battlestar G movie gala? Remember the Lain-athon? I fell asleep on your couch lol... i did that alot. And you never seemed to mind. You even once went out to find me pepto-bismol at midnight on halloween because i had gotten sick off the fumes from the colored hairspray for my Rogue costume. Who does that? lol, you did.
I'm a goddamn idiot.
I'm sorry "tom". No cheesey "contact me" tag. We've both changed. I don't think we'd even be able to sit in the same room together anymore. But i just wanted to clear the air. I'm sorry. I donno where it went wrong. Probably a bazillion places. But eh, it's overwith now. Perhaps this sudden ephiany was what i needed to move on. Well one can hope anyway.
lol and now that i've completely brought the house down... i give you a dancing MONKEY!!....
ok well maybe next post. ;)