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Thursday, March 30, 2006/2:40 AM

The Thoroughbred In Me

Ugh I hate my nerves. No not the fast system of synapses that make me feel stuff, I mean my temperament. I am the WORST worrier to the point where I do suffer from panic attacks (usually most aren't too bad, but occasionally... WHAM). And the past 48 hrs have been WHAM!

I'm about ready to throw myself down onto a gravel driveway just to see if rolling around on the rocks might work the kinks out of my back! Luckily I'm seeing the end of these papers (and this term thank god. So excited for next term!!! YIPPIE!) Last night I woke up out of sound sleep to my side hurting and my back tightening. I wanted to scream. Instead I just did yoga (which luckily calmed my breathing too since that also gets worked up when I have an attack). My side has been in such a bind for two days now that its starting to hurt just from being tight. I'm not even sure if that's panic symptoms or just a sore muscle anymore. ARGH!

What's worse is that I can usually talk myself out of an attack. I'll simply sit myself down and think... okay what's causing this. What can I do about it? How important is it? And most of the time this works. But oh no... not this week. I'm doing my work. I'm correcting papers as fast as I can with all the distractions I've had (students dropping in to ask for help, my boss wanting some paper work, you know the usual stuff). I AM NOT BEHIND. NOT IN ANY WAY. In fact as long as I keep my nose to the grindstone this weekend I think I might actually get to RELAX next week before all the portfolios are turned in.

BUT DOES THIS HELP ME? No. No, I get to set around thinking... come on knock it off leave me alone! stop tightening my neck! Stop making my shoulder edge up along my ears! Leave my ribcage alone! Yoga is barely keeping it at bay. Today seemed a bit better. The only thing I can do it ride it out, but I ask you... what did I ever do to be blessed with this disorder? Please don't laugh at a person with Panic Attack problems. It's serious and it's wretched. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

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